I’m going to tell you a story of a little girl that was trapped behind every word that had ever been spoken over her.

From the time she was born she was passed around like the latest version of better homes and garden magazine. She never had a true loving place to call home. She was abused in every way that you could possibly wrap your mind around. But that wasn’t the part that hurt her the most. It was the words that stuck to her like super glue on a piece of paper.
See, most people recover from bruises. Some people recover from the hands that touch them without consent. But very few recover from the scars of…
I hate you
You are worthless
You are ugly
You are fat
You are a whore
I don’t love you
I can’t come this week
Your never going to amount to anything
Your a shitty mom
Your too sensitive
You cry too much
You will never find better
You are a cunt
Your a failure

And the list goes on and on….

This little girl wanted so badly to change the world. She wanted to be a teacher and a lawyer. She wanted to help kids find the love she knew they deserved. But with every word, with every whisper, she finally accepted who the world told her she was. She disappeared into the quiet shell of never being enough.

When she grew up, this little girl still held such a powerful place in the heart of who this woman had become. She held on tightly to the words and opinions of every person around her. The titles, the desire to be more so the world would finally accept this little girl who never found a place in this world. She had hoped for love, but with love she had always found herself right back in the arms of the unhealed parts of her mother and father. For along time she damaged people around her. But the people she always chose were the same people who never seen her worth.

Your a hothead
Your aggressive
You know you blow up

ENOUGH!!! She screamed as she looked into the life of the 2 little girls looking up at her with wide eyes, asking, looking for direction. Looking for that love she she so badly wanted in a person.

She seen in their eyes they were looking for a connection she just couldn’t quite give. She had no space in her heart or her head for all of the opinions and words of others and this new love she wanted so desperately to find for herself and for the little eyes looking back at her. Not just those of her children but hers. Her eyes. This little girl, who had been trapped for so long. Waiting to find security in a world that had rejected her from the beginning.

With every blow the little girl coward before the world. She hid behind the scars that had kept her safe and gave her a false sense of security.
She got hit…..she would try to stand
She got hit again…
She would try to stand
She got one more blow to the only part of her that was left.

Being a mother.

She was told she wasn’t any good at that either.

This child, who had all of the featchers of a grown woman could no longer stand. She hid behind the weight and the pack of Marlboros. Knowing that no one should see her. She wanted to be hid. Safe from the words of the people who she has sought for safety. And the ones she hadn’t yet met.

But this longing in her heart to find herself was more powerful than the little girl and all those words she had clung to so tightly. She just couldn’t stop the hope that one day she would see herself as the woman she had always wanted everyone one else to see. She needed to love that little girl enough that she would finally be willing to let go.

She got up. Took one last look around and at the top of her lungs, she screamed. FUCK YOU. I AM ENOUGH. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ENOUGH AND I ALWAYS WILL BE ENOUGH.
She fell to the ground and she held that little girl while she wept.

She took a deep breath. She stood up. Wiped her face.

And she said said with the strength of 1000 men in an army. ” Let’s do this one more time, but let’s do it for us. For the little girl, for the woman. And for the eyes looking up at her.

She stood. Taking back every part of her she had ever given away. For every time she had valued the opinions of people who had never really cared. She took her life back. For herself and for her beautiful girls.

And that little girl?
She is healing. She is growing. And Everytime she hears the words of her failures, she looks in that tiny mirror and moves her eyes to the big beautiful world in front of her. She sees how far she has really came. One step at a time. One moment at a time.

This story is far from over. On the contrary….

It has only just begun.

Terri Goad
2-22-22