I’m struggling and changing somethings up.

Since the suicide of my girls father and my x husband of 9 years. I have went to a whole new level. It’s been 2 months. And we have had a hard fucking time. People are assholes and they do not care what you are going through, just to be mean. I’m referring to my neighbors. But that’s a story for a new day. Very few checked on us. No one coming with their words of support… Yep. Y’all just deal with this . … OK! I was already trying to heal. To change. To be open minded and a free thinker. To love in the moment of not being loved. It was hard. It still is. Having to be a mom on top of try to grieve myself. For the pain and the hurt this man caused me for 10 fucking years. Now I have to help heal his children. Oh, yeah. I’m pissed, and sad, and ashamed. ( I have my own quilt) and ripped apart. I wanted to make a life with this man. In spite of having my ass kicked. I told you I was healing.

We waited 2 months for the SSI. (This parts hard) so many things happened and it’s not what most people would think. Or maybe you would…..I felt so hurt. I had to grieve all over again. I still am. (My healing comes with me being honest with myself, even if its on paper.) It was confirmation that he was really gone. Not just jumping ship again. He will never come back and I will parent them alone. With their new set of traumas. I was in such a spin when the check cleared. I couldn’t move. I was stuck. But even though all of this, I now get to be the kinda mom to his kids and their kids. I’m a grandma. My girls have their big sister and brother back. (Yup, another time) I have spent so much money on these kids and I even got to take my grandsons to the pizza play place. It was so good for my heart and Thiers…. Everyone was happy for a moment. Now back to life.

I’m leaving this here. This place needs to be where I leave this mess. I forget though. sometimes as I’m writing to you, I’m writing to me too…. So I feel it again, until I know I’m healed. My journey has change course. But this one, I know will heal my family. At least most of it.