Author Archives: behind the scars

Well we made it through the holidays. I have to say that new years was better than Christmas day. We struggled with so many things but they have just never been good for us. I don’t want to leave it that way. It seems like I’m always making mistakes. There is always more I can do. My head seems to always be negative. Like so much fucking trauma has just left me in a puddle of piss water. We are leaving and going home today and we can’t seem to find a place to live up here. I don’t want to stay in Beebe. I want to be up here with my kid. He needs the support. It is always something. This is all over the place and I know it. This is what my head is like most of the time. I am grateful I got to be up here with him but I feel as if he needed me more.

I just wonder if peace comes for accepting where your at right at that moment. Being ok. Switching my Brain from complaining to gratefulness. That’s so hard when I want so much more for my kids.

People dream of lives that other people have but are never satisfied with there own. But we are doing ok in spite of Wayne. It seems af my biggest setbacks have always been him. But tomorrow will be 6 months since his suicide. It’s time we find something to be grateful for. Taking the trauma and telling it to fuck right off. But this one is hard to recover from.

It feels like the happiness has just left us and I have to figure out how to find it for everyone. That’s a huge responsibility. When I’m stuck in my own pain. I don’t want to live this way so I have to find a way out of it.

I already have a list in my head.

To spend time with Justin before I leave to make sure Sara is ok cause she woke up crying last night having a bad dream. London is always sad. And I make up stupid pain in my head missing so many moments with my children. Deep breath.

I am ok. I am ok. I am ok. I am loved. I am healthy. I am caring. And I am my own best friend. I am a great mother. I am taking care of my children and I am working on taking care of myself.

Yeah. So this is messy. But so is my life. Today will be a Great day.

The beginning.

They need to be intentional in there interests. They need me to listen and be present when they talk. How many times have I told them not right now. I can’t listen right now. But I have to be. They will stop talking if I don’t change. Then I will miss their hearts.

Damn……

I have to do better.

I have to stop seeing myself through the eyes of my trauma. And realize that’s not who I am. I am proud of myself for pushing though all the pain to see an amazing woman and mother. If even just for a moment

Having to grieve the man who abused me for years is beyond anything I have ever felt in my life. And I have been down through there. Him commenting suicide was the ultimate form of abuse for me. Because now I will never be able to get away from him. And…. I have parent our children. Our girls. While he took the easy way out. His wife left them nothing, not even the toys thier dad had gotten them. And we have no one. Just us.

My therapist was late for the 3rd time. Only 5 mins but enough to let me know that I am not a priority. You get paid. Show up on time.

But we will survive another day.

One day we will get to live and be happy.

Last night as I was trying to go to sleep. I kinda woke up. No one in this house has peace. I gave up. It has been 2 and a half years of pure hell. And actually it’s been longer than that. Because Darrell was before that. He destroyed who I was as a woman. Then moving here and one trauma after another. Ending with the death of the girls dad. But last night while I was talking with my youngest, I realized how detached I had really become.

My old patterns, that kept me safe are no longer working. I have been lost. I don’t want to forget this or just let it pass by. I want change. This is the part I have to change.

I believe in God. I don’t believe in the churches God. But I do believe in God. The one who has walked me through everything I have been through. The one who brings me peace in the storm.

This place is where I don’t end up like my mom. Or stay in a broke mind set. This place is being ok with me even if no one else is. Because I want to be and my kids love me. They deserve better and so do I.

Grief is hard. But I will not let it end here. I will not let this break me.

My name is Terri.

I love God. I love music, all music. I am beautiful. And strong. I am human. I don’t have to be afraid. I love my kids. And I am worth the fight and so are they.

I am just rambling to get this shit out of my head. But today….. I am grateful. And happy and peaceful.

When I relax that’s when the fear comes. That voice in my head tells me it’s not ok to relax. I am always on edge. Always tense. Always slumped. Always waiting for what seems like the worst. Not optimistic. But this time….. I felt it. As soon as laid down I could breathe. But the fear …… Noise. I call it static. Damn……. Now, that I see where it comes from, I can heal it. I want to see the beauty in the world not all the pain but inorder to see the beauty, you have to have a soul that will rest in it. I don’t rest. I sleep. This is life changing. This gives me hope.

I’m going to tell you a story of a little girl that was trapped behind every word that had ever been spoken over her.

From the time she was born she was passed around like the latest version of better homes and garden magazine. She never had a true loving place to call home. She was abused in every way that you could possibly wrap your mind around. But that wasn’t the part that hurt her the most. It was the words that stuck to her like super glue on a piece of paper.
See, most people recover from bruises. Some people recover from the hands that touch them without consent. But very few recover from the scars of…
I hate you
You are worthless
You are ugly
You are fat
You are a whore
I don’t love you
I can’t come this week
Your never going to amount to anything
Your a shitty mom
Your too sensitive
You cry too much
You will never find better
You are a cunt
Your a failure

And the list goes on and on….

This little girl wanted so badly to change the world. She wanted to be a teacher and a lawyer. She wanted to help kids find the love she knew they deserved. But with every word, with every whisper, she finally accepted who the world told her she was. She disappeared into the quiet shell of never being enough.

When she grew up, this little girl still held such a powerful place in the heart of who this woman had become. She held on tightly to the words and opinions of every person around her. The titles, the desire to be more so the world would finally accept this little girl who never found a place in this world. She had hoped for love, but with love she had always found herself right back in the arms of the unhealed parts of her mother and father. For along time she damaged people around her. But the people she always chose were the same people who never seen her worth.

Your a hothead
Your aggressive
You know you blow up

ENOUGH!!! She screamed as she looked into the life of the 2 little girls looking up at her with wide eyes, asking, looking for direction. Looking for that love she she so badly wanted in a person.

She seen in their eyes they were looking for a connection she just couldn’t quite give. She had no space in her heart or her head for all of the opinions and words of others and this new love she wanted so desperately to find for herself and for the little eyes looking back at her. Not just those of her children but hers. Her eyes. This little girl, who had been trapped for so long. Waiting to find security in a world that had rejected her from the beginning.

With every blow the little girl coward before the world. She hid behind the scars that had kept her safe and gave her a false sense of security.
She got hit…..she would try to stand
She got hit again…
She would try to stand
She got one more blow to the only part of her that was left.

Being a mother.

She was told she wasn’t any good at that either.

This child, who had all of the featchers of a grown woman could no longer stand. She hid behind the weight and the pack of Marlboros. Knowing that no one should see her. She wanted to be hid. Safe from the words of the people who she has sought for safety. And the ones she hadn’t yet met.

But this longing in her heart to find herself was more powerful than the little girl and all those words she had clung to so tightly. She just couldn’t stop the hope that one day she would see herself as the woman she had always wanted everyone one else to see. She needed to love that little girl enough that she would finally be willing to let go.

She got up. Took one last look around and at the top of her lungs, she screamed. FUCK YOU. I AM ENOUGH. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ENOUGH AND I ALWAYS WILL BE ENOUGH.
She fell to the ground and she held that little girl while she wept.

She took a deep breath. She stood up. Wiped her face.

And she said said with the strength of 1000 men in an army. ” Let’s do this one more time, but let’s do it for us. For the little girl, for the woman. And for the eyes looking up at her.

She stood. Taking back every part of her she had ever given away. For every time she had valued the opinions of people who had never really cared. She took her life back. For herself and for her beautiful girls.

And that little girl?
She is healing. She is growing. And Everytime she hears the words of her failures, she looks in that tiny mirror and moves her eyes to the big beautiful world in front of her. She sees how far she has really came. One step at a time. One moment at a time.

This story is far from over. On the contrary….

It has only just begun.

Terri Goad
2-22-22

God has placed me in a church that is so unusual to me. Worship is very old school and the people are very religious. After the last bible study I have been very confused. Because worship music for me has always been a way to connect with God’s heart. For me to feel Him intimately. But the bible study was ” mostly ” about music. How some big churchs are ” playing God” directing how we feel.

But when you see the videos or are in one of those places with God. You see His children being healed. Watching them in tears with hands raised worshipping God. How can this be a bad thing. How can this be something other than a chance to worship God with song. Like in the bible. I truly wonder why people choose to see passionate worship is a bad thing. I do not know these peoples heart and it’s not for me to judge. That’s Gods job. But in reality if it brings me to a place of intimacy with God. How can that be wrong?

In the bible there are people and places that are not acceptable to God, but He loves them. He moves by His power to change their hearts. To be in a place of worship with Him. God sent Jesus as the greatest sacrifice of love. His love for us. Even the ones who don’t believe. If I’m worried about worship and not seeking His heart in how I respond to my family or people He loves, aren’t I putting myself in a place to play God, which is exactly what they are speaking against.

What does it matter. The way we love is the greatest for of worship we have. It’s not my job to be God. Its my heart to love Him and love others. However I get to ace is between me and God.

I pray for the hearts that use this place to turn people against God. To make them afraid of worship. Love is action ( a huge lesson I learned there) but so is worship. Tears running down my face, and the faces of others. Jumping up and down, feeling of butterfly’s from the God who created the world. This is a beautiful experience for me. And for many others. It’s not my place to judge how they got there or why. That’s for them and God. In their relationship with God. And that’s none of my business.

We have to be careful of what we speak over others, directing them away from God. Especially in a place of authority. That breaks my heart. Yet, I trust His direction for my life. And I will stay until He says move.

Today for me, I will sit with the worship on my tv. Tears, sadness, happiness. And allow God to be God. And me to be His child. And Everytime the thought tries to come against me about how it’s wrong, I will speak out, I am not God. And in my life I am moved to surrender. And that’s all that matters, for now at least.

My daddy is the best there is. His intentions for me are pure and perfect. He wants me. And I want Him too.

Thanks for reading.

Terri.