Author Archives: behind the scars

Beautiful mess. Weird. Middle aged. Saved by Grace.

Facebook posts mean nothing.

Well, today I feel sad. My heart is super heavy. Today was the first day I remember doing laundry and putting my girls clothes up and a very long time. They always do it. Which I’m not saying is a bad thing. It’s good that they know how. But it’s sad for me because I have been disconnected for so long. When they talk it goes in and out the other side. I blankly listen as they tell me about their day. I have given them kisses here or there. Hugs in the morning before the school bus waving good by. But not here. Mentally or emotionally. I am filling a spot. Paying the bills. Disconnected from everything and everyone around me. Today, start another job. Trying to make ends meet as a single parent. Trying to stay involved in the lives of my children but only pretending. I worry so much about the future. Nearly in a panic attack this morning. Knowing I’m going to miss my kids. Being to tired to parent them. But only today making their beds. Putting away their clothes. I didn’t get out of bed yesterday. Till time to go to the interview. I am always so tired. But last night ……London ( my youngest ) laid next to me. She rubbed my face and hair. She held me like I hold her. She told me I was the most amazing and beautiful mom in the world. That was it. I fell asleep. So worried about the world. I am tired. So the name of the blog is Facebook posts mean nothing. ( I am sorry everything is ran together, I am doing this on a phone and it won’t allow me to separate paragraphs )

The pictures, the stories, the posts about amazing my life is and how beautiful my kids are. If I am not truly present in the life I have. I can make everything look so beautiful on the outside but on the inside we are all screaming something hurts here. But for the sake of all of us I have to figure it out. I cannot let us sink. And they shouldn’t have to be strong. They are kids. So that’s all I got. Today I’ll figure it out. Somehow, how to make our lives work. And I won’t, well, I’ll post the blog on Facebook. Lol. Sincerely, a very tired single mom.

This is me.

Good morning. Today is a new day. I have been searching for me for a long time. And it’s really hard searching for yourself when your raising 2 little girls to do the same. My whole life I have always been called something other than who or what I am. Stupid and worthless by my mother. Slut or whore by people in the past. Drug addict by people in the legal system. To sensitive by everyone around me when I got sober or even leaving the marriage was I was called so many other things other than my name. In jobs I’ve been called over achiever just for working hard. And within the last year one of the most hurtful is bad mom. I’m still working on that one. So you get the point. But here is what I know so far. My name is Terri. I get lost in music. I want to be kind. I don’t understand hate in people. I have 2 beautiful girls. And a son that is angry at me. I am almost 17 years clean from all drugs. And 5 years safe from a very violent marriage that tried to destroy me. I have a huge passion for hurting people who want to find hope and a huge fear of what people say about me. But it’s getting better with time. This is the start of my blog. I know I am suppose to write. I know I have many stories to share. I want to be a light that shows others they are not alone. And even in the darkness, everything they have called me is the light at the end of the tunnel that pushes me harder to find myself. Today, I have a name. Now to figure out who I am behind the letters and all the scars who make me who I am. I hope you enjoy. And I will be working on connecting other social media platforms. So give me time. Love always, Terri.